If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
