theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm like, not good at living.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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