he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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