i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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