i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And then he peed in my hair
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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