Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
