I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
