You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
