Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
what is it with giant penises always finding me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
