Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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