Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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