did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
