Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
