There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
