he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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