his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
