i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
