I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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