Im at strip club and am horny
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
