Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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