Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
