Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
