I think im going to throw up on grandma
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
