Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Jerry, you need to find god
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
