I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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