What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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