I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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