That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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