i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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