remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
