Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You can't just leave with hair like that
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize