the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
