I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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