New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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