I got chris browned last night
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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