I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
