I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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