dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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