he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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