So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
