The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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