note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
