Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
