you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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