Is it normal to miss your booty call?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
