why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
