My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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