Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
