Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
