It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
