I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
