why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
