yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
