I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
