I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize