I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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