I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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