i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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