dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
